Chocolate B**tard Cake

Chocolate ‘B**tard’ Cake

Picture a junior patissier wiling away another beautiful Sunday afternoon in the pastry. Scones, doughnuts and shortbreads are made, hours are left to kill….

A Sunday afternoon shift in any kitchen you care to name is, by turns, penance for past sins and the droning death knell of a busy weekend, a booby prize of the highest order. Here we find deep cleaning being done, order sheets being filled, ‘hilarious’ practical jokes being played and young chefs considering Monday morning trips to the job centre. It was under such conditions that I had an epiphany. Whilst my peers played football in the park or nursed hangovers, I set about baking my addition to the Pantheon of Pastries, my star in the Galaxy of Gateaux. I called it the Chocolate ‘B**tard’ Cake.

The Chocolate ‘B**tard’ Cake is so-called as it is a chocolate layer cake blessed with such devilish charms and natural prowess that given human form it would most certainly be a ‘b**tard’, a cad and a bounder.

The base for my creation consists of a ribbony ‘sweet mayonnaise’ of eggs, sugar, pomace oil and soured cream gently combined with self raising flour, Green and Blacks cocoa powder and baking powder. I decant the velvety mousse-like mix into a round cake and watch with quiet content as it rises to form a deep brown dome in the centre of the oven.

Once cooked and cooled, I deftly slice three equal sponges from the dome and begin building my layers up. Onto the base sponge goes the first filling, a milk chocolate and toffee mousse upon which the second sponge sits and upon which, in turn, the second filling is spread. This time it’s a vanilla bean and white chocolate buttercream. To finish with a flourish, I sit the third sponge on top and wrap the whole calorific cacophony in a rich, bitter chocolate ganache punctuated with buttercream florets and a chocolate chequers board for good measure.

To slice ‘the B**tard’ is a geometric delight and to taste it is nothing short of immoral. This recipe stands laconically on the shoulders of the giants which preceded it, a matinee villain cast in chocolate, the product of idle hands and a perennial favourite of my recipe book.

The Chocolate B**stard Cake, there are many like it but this one is mine. A luxurious daydream given form with the last drops of a weekends energy.

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