Writer’s Corner: Top Tip #1

I like to make little preparations before I write. I’ll make a coffee, bathe, polish my glasses, chew my collar, kick the dog, spit at the postman, undress and then dress again. Then I begin…

Tom Wolfe wore a white three-piece suit to write, the degenerate bastard.

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The Fatted Calf

Free market capitalism has lifted 350 million people out of poverty since the fall of the Berlin Wall. The irreversible machinations of supply and demand have dragged us kicking and screaming into the light. It’s a light so fierce and bright that it burns. Only the rational and the brave can stand it. The fool and the coward retreat back into the shadows where it’s safe.

Dunn noticed an old man reading over his shoulder. He was the sort of duffer that had been getting in Dunn’s way all morning…

Having run a strong 10k around the common, Dunn was feeling the weight of history in his stomach. He marched at the head of an army; down the Champs Elysée, along the length of Becmead Avenue and right on the high street. The 1812 Overture carried Dunn and his Grand Armee as far as the dry goods aisle of Lidl. Here, he met with his Waterloo. Blood sugar dropping and a shower on his mind, Dunn was entirely unsurprised to find a cripple blocking the entire coffee display.

“Excuse me,” said Dunn. Barely bothering to articulate himself.

The cripple moved his motorised wheelchair slightly to the left, forward a touch and then back to the right. He wound up roughly where he’d started.

“I just want a can of coffee, mate” said Dunn using his stretched frame to reach over the cripple and retrieve a can of Maxwell House. He heard the engine of the chair buzzing but had turned and left before it began its awkward manoeuvres afresh.

At the till, a partially blind man prattled to his dog and Dunn wondered to himself whether they ran some sort of discount for the infirm on Monday afternoons. The blind man was ahead of Dunn in the queue but he still felt vaguely the frustration of the patrons waiting behind him.

The homogeneity of the welfare state serves only to fetter the vanguard.

This, Dunn noted down as a draft text on his phone. He revelled in the reclamation of the words vanguard and fetter. He imagined himself stealing them from the greasy lips of Karl Marx whilst the bloated parasite slept off another Camden bender.

“Scuse me, Sir! Scuse me!” the minute Asian cashier broke Dunn’s 1848 daydream and jerked him back to present day Streatham High Road.

“Hmmm?” Dunn enquired.

“Is fourteen-nine-eight” insisted the weary cashier, turning the till display to face him.

“Oh right, of course” Dunn held his bank card over the reader, paused for the bleep and proceeded to leisurely fill his backpack with groceries.

As he strolled out of the shop, his load borne with a modest ease, Dunn failed to notice the Asian cashier apologising to the blind man for the delay.

Once the shopping was unpacked and a light lunch taken, Dunn decided to work in the library for a few hours. He felt that he was beginning to achieve real clarity with his latest effort entitled, Capitalism: You’re Welcome.

Progress came steadily that afternoon. With ideas this self-evident it was less an exercise in writing, more an exercise in typing. Dunn had always typed slow but it mattered not. Let the mouth breathers clack away and let their nonsense fill the records of future historians. Historians who would no doubt be brought to the brink of self-immolation with each freshly unearthed Twitter account.

Slowly, Dunn’s pages filled with simple statements of fact, unburdened by sentiment, a true historic materialism. They filled, that is, until Dunn noticed an old man reading over his shoulder.

“What a loada bollocks…” said the Duffer. His diction held a measured venom.

“I beg your pardon!” replied Dunn in wounded indignation.

“The free market feeds on the human spirit…” spake the Duffer in an unerringly even tone.

“The only improvements it’s ever made to the living conditions of the poor are entirely incidental” the Duffer continued.

“Is that so! Well, incidental they may be but intentions are none of my concern. Facts, on the other hand, are.”

“You’d probably argue that the calf owes its healthy weight to the farmer?” asked the Duffer. His eyes were wandering to other computer screens around the room as if his insights might also be needed elsewhere.

“As a matter of fact, I would! The farmer has more to do with the well-being of the calf than any bleeding-heart animal rights activist ever will.” as he spoke he watched the Duffer slip a flat cap over his bald head and rise to leave. Dunn’s voice wavered slightly as he imagined he was now talking only to himself.

Just as he was about to return his attention to Capitalism: You’re Welcome, Dunn felt the breath of the Duffer warm the side of his face.

“The question you need to ask yourself, Son, is this; To what end is the calf being fatten?”

Concentration broken, Dunn decided to check his dating profile.

No new matches.

As he climbed the low sloping route home, Dunn pondered the lack of quality singles in his area…

 

Bold and Underlined

First, I fell for the heavens and then the deep blue sea. I came to rest in a rain gully that ran the length of the street. My stomach was damp and cold, my hands were grazed and electric. Somewhere there was laughter like a bell.

Where are my friends? My dear, dear friends? Who amongst you will grant me safe passage?

I found my feet, took two long balletic strides and fell again.

I must be on hill of some kind. But where?

Hateful, harsh voices documented my folly.

I must hide. I’m too delicate for this savagery.

A sob was growing in my chest. I sang instead.

“Oh Mama! Can this really be the end? To be stuck inside the Ring Road with the tumbledown blues again!”

I beat a palsy retreat.

Let the darkness find me. Chart my course. Tack away from light and sound, until there is one…

My body danced with inertia.

Let it find some peaceful place for me.

For every five steps I took, my toes found the tarmac thrice. Slowly the sound, the light, the fury and the fight slipped away, another world was willing me into its arms.

When I woke there was pooled-blood pain in my knee and a stretched smile on my lips. I sat bolt upright and found myself on the deck of a canal boat. My wallet was in my right hand.

Have I bought the bugger? No, nonsense. No such arrangements could be made with a man of such frightful dispositions.

Still, as if to distance myself from this hypothetical buyers remorse, I disembarked and climbed the wet stone steps which lead to the street.

How had all of this gotten started? A train, a kindly God-fearing creep and a copy of C.S Lewis’ radio lectures on morality. That ‘orrible bastard had seen me coming. He’d probably been carrying that book around for weeks waiting for a derelict like me to slip, trip and fall arse-over-tit into his lap.

“Religion is the opiate of the masses, old man! Do I look like the masses to you? It takes stronger stuff than that to lay me down!”

No, before the train. The interview…

It hadn’t gone well. They hadn’t bought into my bulllshit. Nobody ever did. When I realised the jig was up, I babbled about Wittgenstein, Gaullist myth and the Ethereum blockchain for what felt like hours, words turning to porridge in my mouth, tumbling into my lap. I was still staring at the porridge in my lap when one of them said,

“O-kay, thanks for coming in, we’ll let you know in a day or two.”

I carried their pity with me like guilt until I hit the bar at Dirty Dick’s. I hit the bar at Dirty Dick’s like a water balloon hits a freight train. It went straight through me and I was carried a hundred miles east in its slip stream.

I flipped the sermonising C.S into the first receptacle I passed leaving Norwich station. I pictured it spinning all the way through to Narnia and hitting Aslan the Lion square between the eyes…

Enough! Sweet Christ, ya basta!

Down by the canal in the half light, dusk or dawn, dawn or dusk, a head full of C.S Fucking Lewis. I decided to walk down the hill, less resistance. The sun was rising and I heard the coarse rattle of shutters being lifted.

I asked a shopkeeper if he would sell me wine. No one was around so he let it slide. I took my bottle of red into the street and felt the day creep up on me. I owed the boys in Nottingham three thousand words on, The Tangle: The Hottest New Shit In Imaginary Money. What was the world coming to? Had we filled our lives with such rot and filth that we willingly embraced nothingness?

TRUSTLESS FUNGIBLE NOTHINGNESS

No matter, I had a plan. Home to bed for three and a half hours, shower, breakfast, papers, sit down at the computer and…bleed.

As it turns out, I slept for twelve hours, kicked my phone into the garden, watched the sun disappear over the wash and considered joining the Kurds in their quest for autonomy.

I wrote this last part down with the word quest in bold and underlined. It looked something like this;

QUEST

 

 

 

Vonnegut Made Me Do It

Bafetimbi Gomis is such a great name that I thought I’d write a story about him. Not a whole story, just enough of a story to pass an ad break or two. He’s not even getting his own story but being dropped into another. The story he’s being dropped into began with the infamous hijacker, D.B. Cooper, boarding a plane, ordering a drink and it goes on like that…

That part of the story is here somewhere under the name Little D.B. Needs to Fly. Bafetimbi is flying the Boeing 727 that has just taken off from Seattle-Tacoma Airport. D.B. Cooper is the only passenger left onboard and he’s just become 200 grand wealthier. Bafetimbi knows this as he arranged for D.B’s conditions to be met. The money has been handed over, along with parachutes, meals for the crew and it goes on like that…

Both men have been remarkably calm throughout the experience. D.B. Cooper is remarkably calm for a man who has just hijacked a plane and extorted the United States government out of 200 grand. Bafetimbi Gomis is remarkably calm for a professional football player who has never flown a plane before. By the standards of professional football, Bafetimbi’s career has gone well but not great. He’s played for Saint-Etienne, Swansea, Galatasaray and it goes on like that…

Bafetimbi suffers from suspected Vasovagal response. This means he faints at times of stress. His co-pilot, William Rataczak, knows about his condition but hasn’t had the chance to raise his concerns with the bosses at Northwest Orient Airlines. Rataczak hasn’t been able to catch a break all day. He started the day by pissing on his socks, then tripped over the dog leaving the house. Now the plane he’s co-piloting with a French footballer has been hijacked and it goes on like that…

Where will it end? Somewhere over Nevada, D.B. Cooper asks the crew to join Gomis and Rataczak in the cockpit. He requests that they stay there. Cooper begins lowering the aft stairwell. Rataczak notes the change of cabin pressure indicated by a dial on the control panel. Gomis nods in recognition even though he has no idea what Rataczak is talking about. All the while, D.B. Cooper is getting ready to leave; he puts on a parachute, takes off his clip-on tie and it goes on like that…

Gomis and Rataczak land the plane in Reno, the ordeal ends. Bafetimbi Gomis cries openly now, clasping William Rataczak to his chest. Rataczak doesn’t cry, he just wants to raise his concerns about Bafetimbi Gomis to the bosses at Northwest Orient Airlines. After Gomis has let go, Rataczak is first debriefed by law enforcement and then by the aviation authority. William Rataczak then finds a Northwest Orient union rep, requests Grievance Form 4J and it goes on like that…

D.B. Cooper remains on the aft stairwell somewhere above Nevada. A ferocious current claws at his legs, chest and face. D.B. Cooper has eternity to stare into the deep void beneath him as paper bank notes are sucked away, one at a time. He neither jumps nor falls nor lives nor dies. D.B. Cooper is descending the aft stairwell, descending the aft stairwell and it goes on like that…

Sisyphus Shrugged

“So you don’t really know, do you?”

“No, like I said I can get someone to come and help you? This isn’t my area.”

“Nah, you’re alright mate I’ll take my money elsewhere.”

The customer left, Jay sighed, folded up a cardboard box and steeled himself for the next interaction which came almost immediately.

“Question, is this alright to use without having the Dremel sprocket pack?”

The man was holding up a small metal coil with a rubber catch running it’s length.

“I have no idea, what’s it for?

“Plumbing, your plumber about?”

“Plumber?”

“Yeah, where’s your plumber?”

“This shop doesn’t employ a plumber. I can go and…”

“Why not?”

“Err, plumbers don’t generally work for minimum wage. I’ll go and get Graham, he’s a bit of a whizz with plumbing, one moment.”

He passed down the aisle, eyes peeled for Graham.

“I need six of these but there’s only five on the shelf… Oi! I’m talking to you!”

Jay spun to meet the hateful gaze of a middle aged woman.

“I need six of these…”

“I’m just with another…”

“Forget it, I’ll get someone else.”

Seeing no down side to that, he carried on towards the timber saw.

“Graham! Do you mind helping a bloke down 26, I think he’s a trader.”

“If he’s a trader he shouldn’t need any help.”

“Cheers, Graham.”

Jay went back to the warehouse and loaded up a pallet of tiles and took it out onto the shop floor.

“You got a toilet?”

The woman was half his size and appeared from directly under his chin.

“No, they don’t sorry.”

The pallet had run into the back of his legs.

“You used to!”

“They closed the public toilet, I believe it was vandalised or something.”

He allowed an apologetic smile to limp across his face.

“Fucking ridiculous…”

She left, but not towards the exit.

The tiles he was stacking weighed 23kg a box and there were 27 boxes. It worked out at seven quid a tonne, minus interruptions.

This is a colleague announcement. Can I have a code 2000 at the checkouts for compost please?  

What an offer! Jay idled down to the checkouts and found a shrunken old man standing patiently by a flatbed trolley loaded high with bags of compost, slick with rain.

“This gentlemen just needs a hand to his car.”

Gerry was a pleasant woman with a strong face who seemed practically unflappable.

“No worries, lead on mate.”

He took the handle of the trolley and followed the old man into the car park.

“Getting a bit old to carry these.”

“Take it easy then, I don’t mind lending a hand.”

The old man smiled lamely and pointed his keys at a little lime green Fiat Punto.

“I’m not sure they’re all going to fit.”

They did, as Jay walked away the old man tried to give him a handful of change, a tip. Jay refused it politely, it was an unnecessary gesture which shed a harsh light on the exchange. He felt conscious of his uniform as he walked back into the store.

Check out our new collection of wall tiles available in grey, beige and greige! Ask a colleague for more details!

Surely the word colleague is being used incorrectly here, Jay thought. I’m your colleague, we are each other’s colleagues but I’m not ‘a colleague’ in abstract isolation, devoid of relation. As for ‘greige’, that bollocks doesn’t warrant further consideration.

As he approached the plinth he saw his boss Damian waving him over, a determined scowl on his ruddy face.

“What d’ya need Boss?”

“I wanna do a swap with you.”

“Right?”

“I’ll take over from you and you get down 15 and face-up the Mocha Illusion tiles.”

Jay pondered this nonexistent trade as he gathered a hand pump truck from the yard and headed to 15. The Mocha Illusion bay was in a bit of a state, half the boxes had fallen down the back of the display, some were open and others broken.

He felt a familiar ache in his back as he rearranged the boxes. He had suggested that the heaviest tiles be kept in the warehouse as customers couldn’t lift them without making a mess but hadn’t got a reply.

Code 90 at checkouts, code 90 at checkouts!

The announcement was joined by the bleating of the barrier alarms, shoplifters evidently. Jay didn’t even look up, the whole thing was a farce. The company line was to ask the shoplifter to return to the store and if they didn’t then note down their route of escape, he wasn’t even sure if they called the police or just logged it in some file.

Jay actually pitied the shifty, nervous characters who made such an obvious show of concealing goods. When they met his eye he just smiled and walked on, he probably threw away more stuff in a day than anyone ever stole.

When Jay’s shift ended at four, he made a beeline for the locker room, removing his badge and jacket to discourage any further customer enquiries. His high would last until he got to the bus stop.

“Why didn’t you come when I put out the Code 90? You were only down 15, I saw you.”

Ashleigh was about eighteen and the hurt on her face made Jay smile with almost paternal bemusement.

“I had to protect the Mocha Illusions, I wasn’t sure if they were coming back!”

He laughed and she frowned then let out a short impatient gasp.

“What happened to all the real men?”

Jay stopped and gestured wildly at a huge poster on the wall depicting a group of ‘colleagues’ grinning wide-eyed, holding shovels, paint rollers and drills. He’d stopped smiling.

“Hadn’t you noticed? We’re all children now!”

When he got outside it was bright, crisp and cold, a few snowflakes had begun falling. He put his headphones in his ears, left the store behind and felt a brief surge of divinity.

 

fins de semaine

I suppose you’re in Paris this weekend

a time and a place to see friends

a scene and a set for these things

a stop gap left between flings

but how about it sometime?

The meeting of ends with old ties

a conspiracy of allies

luminescence at high tide

and the back garden grown wild

so how about it sometime?

Try hard to hide between the lines

the best place for steep fines

for hard lefts and moonshine

so how about it sometime?

No Holy Smoke without fire

no quick march without mire

no priest no font no pews no fucking choir

so how about it this time?

Three full sacks of quick lime

dashed across the fog of our lives

set course twice for fresh climes

so how about it sometime?

Little D.B Needs to Fly! (Part 1)

D.B Cooper ordered a Bourbon and soda and lit a cigarette. When the stewardess returned with the drink he handed her a piece of paper. Florence was slightly disappointed, it had been a long day and she wasn’t in the mood. Besides, he seemed pleasant. He was smartly dressed and polite, but now he had become over familiar, just another bum wanting a shot at her. She flashed him a practiced maternal smile, folded the note into her pocket and turned to leave.

“Err, Miss?”

Cooper said, in a concerned manner, as if to save the stewardess from some unfortunate faux pas.

“You might want to read that now.”

His insistence was a touch embarrassing but Florence found Cooper’s soft, almost pleading drawl quietly disarming so she took out the note and read it.

I HAVE A BOMB. I WILL USE IT, IF NECESSARY. PLEASE SIT WITH ME.

The shock was such that she complied automatically even smiling to other passengers as she sat down. Cooper leaned forward and produced a neat attache case, opening it slightly to show her its contents. Eight matt red cylinders bound together with electrical tape, several coils of blue wire and what looked like a bastardised battery. Instinctively she turned her shoulders to shield the case from prying eyes.

Cooper closed the case and her attention snapped back to his face which was as calm and patient as her first grade teacher’s. Florence saw her reflection, small and startled, in the dark brown of his eyes, realising then how close he was to her as he spoke.

“I need you to write down what I tell you and take it to the cockpit. Is that okay?”

Florence nodded, relieved that she could soon share her burden with the pilots. She took out her order pad and steadied her shaking hand.

“Get this down, ‘I have a bomb. You are to land in Seattle and refuel. In exchange for 200,000 in negotiable American currency and four non-military sky-diver’s parachutes, all passengers will be allowed to leave. We will then take off and I will give you further instructions as to where to go.’ Okay?”

“Sure, got it.”

“Okay, go.”

Florence left for the cockpit, Cooper sipped his drink and put on a pair of shades as the sun dipped towards the horizon. He wondered idly what Martha might be up to and whether or not she ever thought of him.  As of that moment it occurred to Cooper that it truly didn’t matter, nothing did, the world was irrevocably altered, it had tilted off it’s axis and had taken on a decidedly darker tint…